Prunella's Lustful Murderous Haiku Went Sailing in Terror! Authors: wkt@csadfa.cs.adfa.edu.au (Warren Toomey) callum@frost.bain.oz.au (Callum Gibson) brett@frost.bain.oz.au (Brett Hutley) cg: The sea was as calm as they had seen it since beginning their journey some cg: four months earlier. The sails hung slack and lifeless and the midday sun cg: beat down on them oppressively. Still there was no sight of land and they bh: were trying not to succumb to the feeling that they were never going to bh: make the distant shore. All they had left to eat was some octopus they had bh: bought at Gizo in the Solomans, and some shark they caught off New Guinea. wkt: Ozalp sighed, again the blossoms distant. ``Where is my lovely tree now?''. cg: His nose glistened moistly and Prunella knew at once why she had fallen cg: in love with him. She pressed against him, her breathing becoming more bh: and more like a crazed elephant. The shiny mucus globule ran slowly down bh: the inner core of his nostril, gathering momentum. It bulbed into a silver bh: ball and erupted in a sodden crescendo. Prunella screamed ecstatically. wkt: Stuart laughed! Fortunately, the island that pierced the hull of the wkt: boat only tousled Anja's amber hair, which had no effect on the sudden wkt: sinking of the wooden hulk. As the survivors swam drunkely towards their cg: death, they died. The axe was raised, and her heart was pounding. She cg: wondered if he could hear it. She shrank back further into the shadows cg: striving to keep her breathing shallow and quiet. He continued laughing bh: manically. Abruptly fed up with being laughted at, Prunella launched bh: herself outward and upward, using the shadows as a launchpad. The axe bh: clanged, biting deeply into the floor. The floor, resenting being bitten, wkt: somersaulted, leading Arthur to ask if this was the penultimate ocean. wkt: Raising the samurai sword above her head, Prunella realised it was a wkt: no-sword, and sipped her tea. ``If only I'd met Basho, all this would cg: exist.'' However, as it didn't she was forced to resume a life of tedium cg: and ordinariness, watching Days of Our Dreary Doctors' Lives and knitting cg: lime green sleeveless vests that were three sizes too small for the only bh: love left in her life; herself. It's funny how quickly a life of tedium bh: changes to a life of excitement however, so we rejoin a giggling, chorkling bh: Prunella a scant 5 minutes later as she struggles to cope with the fact wkt: that `chorkling' isn't an English word. A minute passed, as did a flock of wkt: slugs and a student. Then another student passed. Must be an easy exam. She cg:bit her lip anxiously, then bled to death. The vultures circled overhead, cg:waiting for the packs of rabid street children to finish her off before cg:they moved in for any scant leftovers. Stuart laughed. His plan was coming bh:along nicely. Little did he know that what he mistook for a perfectly bh:good plan, was actually a pipe to ~prunella/core - the shattered remains bh:of Prunella's life. Whether he knew it or not, his fate was tied to Prunella's. wkt: kneebrace (after removing the trailing dot). Her mistaken identity was as wkt: nothing compared to it, and therein lay the problem. Again they rallied cg:around Australia - a most grueling test on cars and drivers. Dennis had the cg:lead but Ozalp (driving a Goggo mobile) was only 1'23" behind at the last cg:checkpoint. Now only a few hundred dry and dusty kilometres remained and bh:Ozalp was determined to overcome the nausea which gripped him,(he had a bh:bad experience with a car once), and beat Dennis to the finish. Dennis, of bh:course was keen to be beaten, although perhaps in a different way than cg:expected. The nausea continued to grip him, which began as mildly annoying cg:but which was now becoming quite pleasurable in a perverse kind of way. cg:Finally his patience ran out and he beat the nausea over the head with a wkt: sprint that would have made Jesse Owen proud. wkt: wkt: Watching these event from the beach, Aethelfrith realigned her countenance. wkt: Crashing through the trees came several blind dogs who ate her! She wkt: turned and ran emotionally through the undergrowth, breathless, terrified cg:and completely confused, wondering how she could be running after she had cg:been consumed. Wait a minute! This aint no party! This aint no disco. This cg:aint no foolin' around. She decided that since they were just AI processes bh:all she needed to do was hack the kernel and cut herself a higher priority bh:in the scheduler. Using the local handy-bank she L1-A'd the universe. Within bh:seconds she was able to bring the universe up in single-user mode. cg:Unfortunately, it was now running SVR4 with the result that she didn't quite cg:make it into singleuser mode because it prompted for the root passwd. After cg:a moment she typed in the passwd on first try: 42. She then withdrew $100, wkt: leaving a floating point in her wake, amid other jetsam. wkt: wkt: As the errily warm sun beat down upon them, they began to explore the wkt: island. What caused the supermarket they found to be uninhabited, nobody cg: could remember due to the severe plague of amnesia in the area. ``I cg: thought so,'' mused Ozalp, punching buttons furiously on his calculator. cg: ``According to my calculations, the end of the universe occurred four wkt: thousand years later''. He sank, a difficult feat when standing on wkt: concrete. The bout of anmesia passed; unfortunately they'd forgotten they wkt: had it. An espresso cg: sat there, waiting to be drunk. To help it along, Patrick bought it cg: several pints of Coopers Ale and before long they were singing Auld Lang cg:Syne until the waitress tipped the espresso down the sink. Heartbroken, wkt: cupbroken and stained, Patrick expressed as profound a desire as he could. wkt: Dennis took the waitress while nobody was watching. Later that hyena, cg:chiming llamas left the elderberry fields. Dennis (dragging waitress) took cg:control of the situation and guided it smoothly between the trees until he cg:slipped on a pool of oil, spilt by a rotary mango picker, and came to grief wkt: and happiness in a sudden satori. A quiet moment, taken aback by an wkt: interesting haiku. This sentence wishes to apologise for the story so far. wkt: In actual fact, but in all probability, cg:that was a completely impossible event to have occurred. Therefore, we cg:apologise for the unlikeliness of all events portrayed in this story. In cg:fact... aarrggghh. The author was strangled by wad of packing tape that wkt: didn't exist, and so as he unstrangled himself from the tape, it was as wkt: if nothing had happened. In fact, as the liquid paper bore d n up n wkt: th m, n b dy kn w w t w s h pp n ng! A hand appeared, as if from nowhere, wkt: which again is so unlikely that rationalists have taken this to be a sign cg:directing Japanese tourists to Ayers Rock, The Olgas, and the mens toilet. cg:All of this was just as unlikely as Prunella bursting into the room with cg:a bloody knife and declaring that she had killed her lover, Ozalp, in a cg:lustful romp gone wrong. Suddenly, Prunella burst into the room with a wkt: thud, followed by Warren and Callum. ``How did we get here?'' Callum asked. wkt: ``Damn teleport must be stuffed again''. As these words reverberated around, wkt: Ozalp plunged the samurai sword into his chest, right up to the hilt. He cg:ceased to function properly. Callum quicky did a: cg:% sed -e 's/Callum/Fred/g' < story > story.new cg:% mv story.new story cg:and thus couldn't be implicated at all in the alleged murder of anyone in cg:this haiku. Smiling smugly, he had Prunella reenter the room, this time wkt:in a floral outfit made entirely of small spotted llamas whose sole wkt:existence could be barely achieved given the scale of things to come. wkt:Likewise, amidst the nearby grove of elms stood a dark figure, dripping wkt:shiraz and playing a haunted tune on an Ethiopean nose-flute. David could cg:not remember why he had suddenly entered the fray so he stayed in the shower cg:for several days until he was finally washed down the plughole. Meanwhile, cg:the dark figure laughed - it was a hollow evil sound. No, that was just cg:the pipe he was standing in at the time. He slunk into the shadows and wkt:was getting into `Ghost Riders in the Sky' when the strings on his guitar wkt:broke. Realising that the chainsaw which was dissecting him had something to wkt:do with it, he ran off awkwardly over the sand dunes towards the fishing cg:knoll which had three pointy points on it. These were probably used for cg:pocking passers-by and causing amnesia. Several people were asleep on the wkt:way out, and again at an indeterminate point in the future. Despite the wkt:setting sun boiling the distant ocean, and occasionally given enough wkt:encouragement, Melinda rang through to base. ``I need my iguana with seven cg:minutes to spare,'' she stated, cryptically, which was really not that cg:unusual given the storyline so far. Nonetheless, she whipped out a pocket cg:llama and set it on a course for Barbados where it would explode on impact. cg:What would Patrick (who smelt quite off) do about the predicament? Eating wkt:was never a solution. But as the fragmentation bomb hit them. They panicked. wkt:Terrified, they. Ran quickly. Anja screamed. Again and again. And over again. wkt: Over and over. Over and Over. CONTINUOUSLY! cg:In the process, several major trading centres were struck by severe cg:earthquakes and the small hamlet of Westborough burnt to the ground. Charred cg:people chased Anja down a small hole, previously owned by Lex the funnelweb. cg:Currently it was owned by media magnate, Kerry Packer, who used it as a tax wkt:inspector in a nearby punnet of sunflowers. Needless to say, and it was. wkt: wkt:Grabbing their surfboards, the now deranged party set back out across the wkt:turbulent (if not ebulent) sea. Passing a glue factory, they began to flow cg:fluidly until they stopped. Using the glue and surfboards they built a cg:monument to Nigel, patron saint of nerds, and then continued their pursuit cg:of fame, fortune, and decent Friday night TV shows. They forgot to take wkt:Deidre with them, and soon passed the Statue of Liberty who was on holidays wkt:in Bermuda at the time. Nonethemore, over the next wave was a pirate ship. wkt:Cap'n Fishface and his filthy crew loaded their cannons and attacked! Only cg:fate could kill them off as quickly as what was about to occur. Luckily, cg:this story was about Prunella, primarily, and her Haiku had had quite cg:enough terror for one day, so they were let off the hook.