Fri Aug 4 13:03:43 1995
A sudden lack of caffeine is not a good thing, especially if you were so addicted to it that you had to change jobs. This rarely happened to Patrick, because he had no mouth. He also had a very bad credit rating but still managed to get invited to parties, drink far too much and end up in the corner with a bottle of vodka singing old Russian sailing ditties. None of the guests ever noticed this too much until he changed from Vodka to Whiskey and then, did they take notice! He would laugh uproariously, stagger about and cry ``There can be only one!'', while trying to decapitate one of his guests with a steak knife. The guests would laugh uncomfortably and put the headless body down to inferior whisky. Afterwards, they would huddle in little groups, and plot the overthrow of Scotland.
And in another part of the room, Ozalp the dog was happily eating scraps off the floor - eggs, bacon, ears, swedes, turnips, fingers, beef broth and other surplus delicacies. He quite lost himself sometimes and one day he woke up to find he'd misplaced his entire body. One can only imagine how surprised he was. However, since this is already entirely hypothetical, this required nested imaginations, causing an infinite recursion loox7*#c
received signal 11 at 0x63efb00 (dbx) where _imagine() at 0x63efb00 _imagine() at 0x63efa64 _imagine() at 0x63efa02 _imagine() at 0x63eefb8 ^C (dbx) quit
Darn, he knew about that bug but never thought to fix it. After all, how many times does reality receive signal 11? God, that was what he hated about non-reentrant signal processing. Irritably, he stamped on all the cockroaches that had sprung up, a manifestation of the reality-bug, then conjured up a cane toad to deal with the remaining cockroaches. (At least it wasn't a supersonic device, it was merely a telepathic motion, an inheritance from his Grandfather.)
He hadn't realised that he could also exterminate on impulse and ion engines, but re-reading the manual helped. Unfortunately, he spilt his coffee all over the pages, making them stick together, and so he never found out how to turn the fog lights on, nor how to re-establish contact with his inner child. Years later friends would look knowingly at the stuck-together pages of his manual and smile at each other (that is, until he upgraded to an automatic).
Coffee being what it is (a dark object), and tee-shirts being what they are (light objects), it follows that the two are attracted to each other and thus account for 90% of all matter in the universe (which is the matter that matters). The other 10% is known as grey matter, a substance which quite rare these days amongst most humanoids. Tepid water has an IQ of 5, and this is totally untrue. In fact, the IQ value varies according to the water's temperature, the mean body odour of the Prime Minister, and whether or not it is a Tuesday. Adding decaffinated coffee to the water just makes things worse.
This sentence is false and so is the preceding one. It has been asserted by some that caffeine has an adverse affect to water's IQ, whereas even a cursory token of inebriating fluid would excel intellectual HO2 in all beings! That of course is why it is found that some far more outweigh their weight in gold than Father Christmas, who some experts theorise consumed so much inebriating fluid as a youngster he has been recatagorised as intellectually H03 (or H0 H0 H0). Twelve centuries previously, King George the Dustman rang his wife on the telephone. ``I'll be late home for dinner'' he said, and slipped off to eat at a delicate little cafe nearby with his mistress.
A harpsichord played in the background and merriment was going on all around. A rider on horseback appeared to be little more than a figment of the previous author's imagination. A short sentence was written. A phrase. The atmosphere was right for seventeen large guano's mixing it up - getting themselves into a stew over what amounted to a deficiency of coffee and an excess of Yeats. Oh the Guanity! After they heaved themselves out of the stew, juicy and meaty and feeling very sticky with the odd onion ring on their head they felt so warm and happy that the sudden appearance of Santa Claus caused them little concern. ``Ho ho ho! Have you been good little boys and girls?'', he laughed in a Prozac-affected fashion. Secretly, he wished he had some cocaine instead of making do with the 50+ cups of coffee per day. Coffee wasn't bad, but the grueling days of toy-making leading up to Christmas put him in a very neurotic mood and he tended to swerve his sled into young pedestrians.
Luckily, Stuart didn't often moonlight as Santa so the majority of the world's population were safe from his evil scheming. As for the rest of them, they weren't safe. What a logical conclusion! The Stuart Santa realised that he was able to plunder the world in his sleigh (an ersatz nuclear-powered fridge), and put the world's ecosystems totally out of kilter. ``Ha ha'', he laughed as became increasingly nebulous. To innocent the bystanders (the ones that hadn't been run down) it was uncertain whether this was being caused by the shiraz he was sipping on or the radioactive fumes that were spewing out the back of the sewer. He usually got fairly merry on a nice bottle of Shiraz but radioactive fumes were more his scene.
One day ... the French decided that they weren't content to conduct nuclear testing in the Pacific and decided Australia was a somewhat better test site. Reading about the Aussie governments lackidaisical reaction to the proposed republic, Chirac thought he would just make Australia a dictatorship, with himself as Le President. Luckily, Greenpeace had just bought some non-polluting, biodegradable, environmentally friendly weapons to stop him. They had also trained, man-eating sharks to look for the A La Presedenta and his merry Frenchmen, knee-biting carp and other extraordinary huge sea mammals all trained to mutate on command, which they did often to avoid capture by the raving lunatics down at the local constabulary.
Forty-eight pieces of eight were eaten by all the policeman there, and as they were rushed to the hospital with terrible hunger pains, it was found that the coins were in fact made of decafinated brains covered in a guano brew. Maybe next year's solstice would result in less deaths.