Nine had Disembodied Legs, Three Dangling Twice Obscenely.

Callum, Lynne, Warren

10th May, 1995

The day dawned bright and early, which is the best way of doing things. The birds were getting up, making their nests and having worms and coffee when it happened! Running across the beautiful green lawn came three long emaciated legs with toes attached. The lack of feet was proving to be a problem, however, as was the thick, green acrid gas that surrounded them all. It couldn't be effluvium -- it was bright green in colour. However, when Marcia came upon the creature she immediately became engulfed in the acrid gas and it turned her round and around until she was dizzy.

The beast took off its mask and was revealed to her as a milkman. What a turn of events?! The green milk spilt before anyone knew where the large vibrating horses were coming from. And there was great wailing and gnashing of teeth, cogs and gearboxes. Anja's foot was firmly planted on the clutch, but the rest of her was relaxing under a quiet deep sigh as Jarman appeared. His strong calloused hands stroked her trembling shoulders. Her voice quivering, she kissed Jarman gently and said ... ``Ahhh, the last time someone did that to me, I disembowelled him, but in your case I'll make an exception.'' With that she pulled out a knife and slit his throat.

Meanwhile, a new paragraph struggled to appear, although it was uncertain whether it had already appeared or not. Heisenberg passed by twice. The legs were offered a job to stand in for Elle when she was drunk (legless). This gave them ample opportunity to hail a passing cloud which sleeted on them. Sigh, sigh, sigh. Hmmm. With that out of the way, Stuart sipped his sweet sticky shiraz, and wondered what had happened to Jarman. The Shiraz was relaxing after so much exertion. He was becoming heady, he had a strange feeling of being watched. He wondered where Marcia and Anja were. He was falling ... falling. There was a green carpet of gas and legs and ... a white rabbit with a dirty big digital stopwatch saying ``Shit! I'm late''.

The rabbit hopped down a metal and polyurethane hole, brandishing a surfboard which became wedged until it was discovered several centuries later by a distinguished looking gentleman wearing a piece of carpet, thongs, and three billion minute bacteria which had taken over his body. Sir Mervyn Moncrieff, W.W.W, X.G.A, S.G.M.L, as he later became known, quickly realised that a new invention could be formed from the carpet. He picked up his soldering iron and began making a wrought iron andiron. He of course didn't realise that it was all an illusion and kept busily working. ``Sir Moncrieff, Sir Moncrieff'', cried nobody whatsoever -- he was having one of his turns again. Sir Mervyn let go of the handrail, and plummeted 500 feet through the cold, whistling air into a gravity well of infinite length where he spent the rest of his days in free fall.

For several years afterwards, the universe actually existed as a curled celestial body corkscrewing perpetually and leaving in limbo the spirited nine disembodied legs, three dangling twice obscenely. But, unbeknown to Jarman the barman there were many large teapots in the bar. Long John, who came in from another story, sidled up to the bar and ordered a gym and tonic. Jarman worked out what he meant and put a pot of Tequila in front of him, and ran away quickly. L. J noted that gym was late arriving as usual but he enjoyed the Tequila immensely. He would have to order another Tea and quill immediately.

His tongue began to hang out and rested dripping on one side of his face; his eyes bloodshot were bloodshot. Blood was shooting out from them, the small capillaries bursting, membranes stretching, tissue becoming more and more engorged. Unbelievable as it was, Marcia turned up. She immediately put her arms round him, blood splattering all over her, and kissed his thick pouting lips. L. J could only say b b b b bom (sha na nah na, sha na na na nah na). The thought police arrested him. When his brain had been completely scooped out, they released him back out into society whereupon he joined the Labour Party and was made the next Prime Minister.

Sweet Marie was waiting; she had been waiting for some time. Right now though her thoughts were upon being the Prime Ministers wife, especially as she was a valiant opposition member. There must be a way to his heart other than through the secret tunnels under Parliament House leading to the nuclear bunkers. As the bombs began raining down, Ozalp mused to himself over the precipitous void between the chandelier and the floor 300 metres below. What he didn't realise was that Robert was slowly sawing the rope that held the gigantic light fixture up.

``Cor!'' he exclaimed, ``what a tall room.'' And then he plummetted to a gruesome death on the parquetry below. Luckily, the builders had thoughtfully provided a drain hole in one corner of the room which facilitated cleaning of the macabre remains! Unfortunately, there were other contrivances convalescing in the sewer. Just beneath the surface of the putrid mass of acrid green smoke were the legs, which had resurfaced for a bit of a holiday on the Cote D'Azure. They were sick of the entire sickening mess which whirled around them, and left the following night for a quieter spot on the planet, Thrin Thriggle III. It was named after the fellow who discovered it, a quiet unassuming chap from the Gamma quadrant. Being the possessor of six legs, he was fortunate to have never run into the nine dangling disembodied ones, now obscenely traversing through the course of history.