Don't Cry, The Concorde Coffee Cups Collapse Unilaterally Within

Don't Cry, The Concorde Coffee Cups Collapse Unilaterally Within

Brett, Bryan Callum, Warren

1st September, 1994

Fortune has always held that the first in a queue of ten busy, anxiously waiting people in a bank at lunchtime with only one teller should be carrying an enormous bundle of old checks, a large bag of assorted change, and some dog-eared receipts. Anja was not one to break with tradition, even if it did make life a misery for all involved, until they all committed suicide by dressing up in aeroplane suits and attempting to land at Heathrow airport.

It was a very messy business, several innocent bystanders received cup-wounds to their moo cups, and then they didn't. The nearby Concorde turned into an A320 Airbus, crashed into the terminal and lost its no-claim bonus, then found it again, took off and broke the sound barrier. Broken bits of sound barrier fell down all around the small hamlet of Smeg. What the smeg was her woman thought about all this has been recounted in many epic songs and plays, and was always a good tale to tell to scare the kids if they started misbehaving (needless-to-say; the children of Smeg were very well-behaved, especially when they were encased in solidified superglue) and eating the furniture. The songs were tragic and sad, mainly due to the soggy biscuit crumbs that had been left in the crevices of elephant skin for far too long.

The smell was terrible! The music swelled to a full crescendo and caused the crumbs to dislodge themselves, squelching pathetically; the orchestra was boo-ed off the stage and into a tin bucket. The elephant was so disgusted it grabbed its skin and stormed out into the black night. At the Black Night the bartender set up three doubles of scotch and lithuanian, which the elephant threw back and hit the antelope behind him. A 2.9BSD tape left the men's room and began playing billiards.

Just then a short ugly hyena placed its putrid paw on the elephant's shoulder. ``Bud, I got a problem with the size of your nose''. The hyena leered -- ``You look just like the man elephant''. ``Gads!'' replied the elephant ``Don't you know this is the Black Night?'' he pulled off his fake trunk momentarily. ``See, they have dress regs here!''. In walked an elf which caused him to coff into a completely different file format, dragging along all the women and children who were residents of the nearby hamlet.

They were treated to a short elevator ride, during which all perished because of the high-suction generated when the lift operator, Mr Hoover, breathed in on his doctors advice. So disgusted was OTIS when they repaired the lift that a strike was called. The little hamlet was stuck between floors with no exit in sight. A bat flittered past. As the building tipped sideways, several vats of water sloshed and splashed in the excitement. It had been too long, and nobody had got enough sleep.

Stale breath and indeed stale sandwiches that tasted slightly like plastic were passed around the circle until the music stopped, whereupon the person who had the sandwiches smeared them liberally into the folds of skin hanging below their ample stomachs. The sandwiches were believed to contain great healing powers, and certainly had the effect of keeping people at a respectful distance. Unfortunately the people who were not kept at a distance were people with an impaired sense of smell (i.e, people with colds), so the practice fell over and broke its neck. Patsy laughed so hard she turned into a green tomato and was eaten by a sandwich lover, who wasn't healed by the sandwich and died a terrible death, and then went home for a little while before deciding that if this sentence didn't end soon they'd all go blue in the face and probably die of asphyxiation, or something of its ilk.

Instead, Bill Clinton came along and added `e's to all words ending in `o', forcing Al Gore to retract his statement about drunk driving on the info superhighway. It hurt, it hurt, the pain shot straight up his arm and through his credit card. Too many axons were dancing in the breeze, facing down pain signals which fought for right of way in his arm. A police nerve showed up and started directing pain. The pain which hurt the most came from his wallet, which was surgically grafted to his body. The throbbing pain was cut out by the censors as too graphic, and the description of how Wendy and John made mad passionate love on the kitchen floor was deleted as well, leaving the police nerve nothing to do other than say ``now then what was the name of that video store again?''

A stray meteor plummeted towards the planet and the inhabitants were alarmed. ``Ding-a-ling-aling'' they all chorused. A couple of them tried to phase and flange as well but they were ostracised for trying to cause trouble. Their 9 volt batteries were removed causing a big blond man to jump up and down saying ``OI'' rather noisily. The meteor crashed into the planet, causing a rather neat round hole through which many camels passed (having given the needle up as a bad job).

Later in a previous life, the blonde had eaten the soot-coated factory which had being trying to produce those silly plastic corks that break and make all the liquid in the bottle spill down your shirt, leaving an awful dirty stain that can never be removed, no matter how much Cold Power or super petrol is burnt to propel large missiles onto the beaches of sleepy little villages.

Experts from many fields were called in to try and make some sense of the universe, but after many nights of drinking out of plastic corked bottles, they only got so far as to venture the proposition that it would probably do them more good if they actually took the corks out. This proposition was never confirmed because the experts were subsequently blown up having left the fields for the subsequent peril of the sleepy village.

This amount of subsequence was too much so they sequentially subsumed several sequined sepulchres and subsequently sequestered serendipitously. Stuart laughed, as he lost both his legs in a terrible cooking accident. His memory failed him, and wished for something he couldn't remember. Passing overhead, the shattering sound of Mach 2 coffee caused him to giggle unilaterally.