13th January, 1994
Dennis looked up blearily. ``What a night!'' he uttered as he rolled over and saw the person lying next to him. ``I say,'' he said and continued rolling over the person. Within a few hours of rolling they were quite flat and it was clear he'd have to do the linen. Suddenly, Ozalp burst into the room wielding a samurai sword and singing ``I Think I'm Turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so''... At which point the nearby bowl of Sweet and Sour Duck leapt up and impaled Ozalp with a blunt chop stick. Wendy began to choke on the fried elephant droppings. Small wonder really. A large crane was used to remove her from the restaurant and place her in a disused storm water drain mould where she remained until she died from exposure and choking. It was never like this in Volume 1. Still, we must progress. Onwards!
As Aethelfrith awoke, she became aware of a thinly disguised kneebrace strapped to her elbow. ``Ozalp, get my whips and chains, we're off to become (comma) and they were. Confused as to what they were and how, the yellow breasted PeePee which sat on the branch of a nearby purple money tree began to cry, well sob at first, then really blubber until the stream of tears became like PeePee, hence the name. Next week, we'll look at the Brown-Bum White Dove, the Squashed Moggie, and the Inverted Nippled Beach Lobster. But coming up now... < click>
For several minutes there was complete silence. It was so quiet you could hardly hear yourself think. The silence shattered all over the green carpet, when a drunken and unlicenced bus driver backed into the story on a flying red carpet. Using modern technology and an AquaVac, the mess was soon exported to /usr/export/junk and flushed down /dev/null whereupon it created an environmental disaster, a banana split, a small confused sentence that who did not any making sense, and a tyopgraphicla error
.The full stop was so shocked it fell clear into the next paragraph where it was eaten by a crazed woman shouting, ``Sheeeeettsss!! Shheeeeettss!!'' Soon, however, the pack of wild dingoes tore her to pieces, using their pearl handle scissors, just in time to save the world from an attack by the Daleks. Anja was surprised to find herself mentioned and completely naked. It certainly was cold in the arctic regions. She heard a noise to her left and saw that it was a Dalek. It sidled up to her and pointed with one of it's pointy things. ``Is zat a stereogram?'' it asked. She hit it with a nearby Dr Fris which stunned it for awhile, however there is only one way to kill a Dalek of this type. Anja looked for a rubber snake to thrust down his pants. She found none, but was able to use a piece of fresh fruit to her advantage. Gripping the grape grimly, she grabbed Greg's foot and proceeded to sing `Land of Hope and Glory' while stuffing the grape into his ear. So confused as to where Greg came from, the Dalek underwent hypnotherapy until it was limp and soggy. Crowds of onlookers gathered but they were dispersed by the random gunfire from Ozalp wielding the best darn six shot banana money could buy. The dispersed crowd reformed after they realised the banana wasn't loaded and Ozalp was just an illusion.
Shortly after that, they realised that their previous realisation was not quite accurate. It was true that the Ozalp was an illusion, but, in fact, the banana was loaded. Wondering what to do with itself, the banana split and the crowd groaned at the obvious attempted joke, in fact some of them actually collapsed and died right there. Ozalp was arrested by the suddenly appearing police dept (SAPD) and was charged with discharging a rotten joke in a public place with intent to cause fruit salad. Ozalp sighed slightly, then pulled the dehydrated Tardis out of his pocket. Setting it down upon the road he started dancing around chanting something in a strange guttural language. Ten minutes later he had collected $92.35 in change from passers-by but there was no sign of rain. The police watercannon wasn't raining either, in fact there was no sign of rain as the SOI had been saying for the last year. SOI was disappointed by all this decided it would give this game away and go back to the dark recesses of the weather computer where words missing odd places. Luckily, most of them were quite unimportant as far as semantic content was concerned and they weren't missed by many, only a few armchair pedants with nothing better to do than pick out every missing word on the way through the vi editor's clockwork powered line wrap. Luckily the words turned up in and time to the next sentence which didn't really help things much.
Meanwhile back in the storyline the authors had forgotten what was happening so they decided to start a completely new. Sentence. But got it completely wrong so they were sacked and replaced by a pack of rabid arts students who turned the story into a romantic epic about the life of Bertie the sexual repressed beetle and his family's struggle to overcome the rigid class structure of the Amazon jungle leaf litter society. Fortunately the arts grant ran out just after the first drunken party and wild frenzy at the casino near Southport. Would the evil witch Sandra attack the story with her occult dictionary, or could Aethelfrith underwrite the movie length documentary on the six toed ear mite, and did anyone really care?
Hmmm. Meanwhile back at the story Ozalp was still dancing around the Tardis and had collected $134.55, been mugged twice, and had only 20c left. Ozalp bit off the leg of a passerby in frustration. ``Ouch!!'' said Patrick, as as he slowly and painfully bled to death. Stuart took the opportunity to increase his holdings in the Global Shiraz Stakes and sold it at $4.95 periodically when Robert wasn't looking. As Anja repaired Pat, the begonias ran in, seized the samurai sword and sped off. Not even Roundup was able to salvage the superblock summary information. Luckily though, Prunella had been to the Power Computer Training Institute where she had taken a weekend Unix Systems Administration course and received a credit. In this situation, there was no hope of any recovery. Prunella began pressing keys... first a `C' then a `H' and a `K', followed by `D', `S' and another `K'. Prunella next pressed spacebar and then a `C' and a `:'. Feeling smug she hit return and there was a faint rumbling in the distance. It got louder and louder. Prunella ducked as a drive head screamed past her head. ``Alright!'', she yelled. ``Who set up the universe as my `C' drive?''. The chkdsk found three blind mice and a partridge in a binary tree. They all had their privileges cut off which must have been very painful, especially for Robert whose privilege was large and protruding. Prunella soothed him, soothingly, by massaging him with her melifluous tendrils. Helga stormed in, farting loudly and screeching ``That's my department! Get out!''. As the AK-47 roared to life, Demis Roussos made an appearance. ``O so lo mio, o bum, I've forgotten the rest of the words. Not only that, I've made a grammatical error.'' ^lo^la. Modifier failed. Stack overflow!
Jan 6 13:52:26 demis vmunix: panic: zero Jan 6 13:52:26 demis vmunix: syncing file systems... Jan 6 13:52:26 demis vmunix: not enough room on device for core dump!
As Demis slowly ground to a sad and sorry halt, the nearby crowd of green algae-dwelling mutant swamp-things sat back to watch the light display and wait for dinner. The bravest of the swamp-things came over a few minutes later, stared at the prompt on Demis' forehead for a few bewildered seconds, then obligingly gave him a kick. Without further delay Demis booted.
Demis now fully booted promptly fell over and sank without trace in the dark steaming swamp. The bravest of the swamp-things was so shocked itinerant mattresses gathered around it in the age old ritual of Post-Urep-Edic. This ritual is hard to describe at length, but is always done around spring. Around one mattress' spring, anyway. One theoretician proposed that the ritual came from mattressic folklore; a mattress who spent a bloody long time lying on a pea, with some git princess on top. However, this was lost right up the anals of time where hopefully no-one would ever find it. This left a large vacuous void in the space-time continuum which slowly drew in all the surrounding chip crumbs and hoards of stale Minties, gradually increasing in mass until after many centuries critical mass was achieved and the core began to fuse. Anja was shocked to discover there was no fuse wire to fix the core and started looking for a suitable replacement. Quickly she took her kneebrace and jammed it into the core. There was a blinding flash and Anja lit up like a Christmas tree. ``You're dumped!'' - she screamed. There was a hurt silence. Later the emotionally hurt core would be arrested for exposing itself to debuggers. As the x11perf ran amok in the crowd, Ozalp and Freddy went off to get a Pina Colada and
Abruptly the last paragraph ended. What became of Ozalp and Freddy was a mystery that lasted over 200 years, and was only solved by accident when a sudden synergy occurred between Aethelfrith and the network. Pieces of banana were thus derived which Ozalp and Freddy sold to provide food for the starving masses and eliminate hunger in the world. They subsequently became millionaires and retired to the Bahamas.