The Characters
Prunella
A knat, although sometimes mistaken as a meta-womble, Prunella is prone to
giggling drunkenly in ditches. A member of Greenpeace, she is very wrinkly,
with many folds of skin, sharp teeth, versatile eyelashes and has several
melifluous tendrils. She often says ``Golly'', and has a taste for smoked
elephants. She is married to Dennis, and previously was his lover. Prunella
has had relationships with many other people, including Wesborough, Ozalp,
and Robert, for whom she has a predilection. Her talents include being a rock
guitarist, a batsperson for the Premier's First XI, and a samurai sword
wielder.
Robert
Robert is an unpleasant fellow. His murderous tendencies have resulted in
many casualties including dogs, goats, Letitia, but mostly Patrick. His
hatred of Patrick stems from the fact that Robert gave birth to Patrick, a
painful delivery. Many of Robert's victims are buried in the field of
elderberries, and he is often seen dragging the corpses to their final
resting place. Robert is of course wanted by the police, and has gone to
extraordinary length to avoid capture. His most impressive escape was to turn
the universe off. Robert drives a nuclear-powered fridge, and plays water
polo with slugs. One-time lover of Prunella, Robert did become engaged, but
his fiancee died before her name was revealed. He has an illicit sister,
Olga, and once owned Ozalp, but Ozalp left him for Patrick. Robert hates
mangoes, as he was once killed by a rotary mango picker. Other talents
include being a samurai sword wielder, vinyl coffin maker (with Synthia),
blood-filled shiraz connoiseur, stoat skin bag-piper, and ethiopean
nose-fluter. He has lost several arms, legs and hips in his life, which is to
be expected.
Patrick
Patrick is a professional corpse. He has been never been alive in his
existence, which tires him sometimes. His arch-enemy, Robert, takes
particular delight in killing him, although Patrick occasionally achieves
revenge. He grew up in Amityville, in Anja's year, and they fell in love.
They married after they left school. Their first child was Cheryl. Patrick
has a brother Norman, and once owned Ozalp, but Ozalp went off with Sally. He
is prone to wearing lacy dresses, and owns a volvo. One-time posessor of the
samurai sword, Partick has an iron leg, a wooden leg, and at least one normal
leg. His only claim to fame is to have been the captain of the Premier's
First XI.
Anja
An extremely talented and versatile person, Anja is a competent swedish
nurse, domestic pilot, hostess, flasher, rock singer, cellist, time
traveller, maintenance engineer and masseuse. She was taught to massage by
Olga. She has overcome her dreadful leg disabilities with the aid of
kneebraces, which she has aplenty. Anja married Patrick after a school
romance, and gave birth to Cheryl. Her stepmother is Martha, whose plans to
send Anja to the academy did not come to fruition. Anja's marriage has
sometimes been strained, due to Patrick's smell, and she has had
relationships with Dennis, and possibly Robert. Her main problem is her
tendency to scream continuously. Apart from this, she is known as a duck
owner, rollerskater, and captain of the Uralla Central School XI.
Dennis
Randy to the extreme, and willing to sleep with anybody, Dennis' lovelife
improved after the operation which changed him from a hedgehog to a warthog.
Although married to Prunella, he has related to Anja, Letitia, Synthia, Olga,
and possibly every female he has ever encountered. An activist determined to
overthow the Hedgehog Elimination Society, Dennis likes elderberry wine, and
is an elderberry picker. Unfortunately of Czeckoslovakian descent, Dennis
like all good characters has succumbed to death, and was buried under a
waterfall to keep him cold. His talents include riding a supersplon
reversible supercharged hamster foot, being a batsperson in the Premier's
First XI, and the saxophone.
Ozalp
A large pointy dog with no eyes, Ozalp is a wise and wild bush dog. His black
coat comes and goes depending on if he is having chemotherapy or not. He has
been owned by Wesborough, Robert, Patrick \& Anja, Cheryl, Synthia and lately
Sally, to whom he is devoted. He eats lettuce, cabbage, mushrooms, toddlers,
and enjoys nibbling on legs too. Ozalp has an affection for kneebraces, which
he often hides. A llama hunter, he was killed by a ferocious llama, although
Robert is possibly connected in some way with the death, as Robert later
killed him with a car. One of Prunella's lovers, Ozalp uses chickens as a
sex aid. He temporarily gained sight when given a pair of luminous eyes by
Synthia. Ozalp's pet hates are unripe elderberries and lethargic mazurkas.
Ozalp has a close friend and tree-piddling partner called Freddy.
Letitia
A bloodthirsty warrior, Letitia ploughs into battle in her rollerskates,
wielding a double grunge blaster/grease gun. Once Dennis' lover, she left
him as he kept borrowing her space ship. Very impestuous, Letitia has been
known to go to the doctor's naked. Killed by Robert with furniture polish,
she had previously suffered at Robert's hands when he was using an orbital
sander and a woodwork plane.
Olga
Robert's illicit sister, Olga is an accomplished masseuse, and is Helga's
sister. Olga has a metal nose, and is Aethelfrith's maid, which has lead to
one of her deaths. She taught Anja how to massage, lending her an arm when
things got desperate. She suffered from a severe case of radiation sickness
at one stage. She is a close friend of Sally's, and is married, possibly to
Robert. Her talents include the violin (she owns a Stradivarius),
hang-gliding, and bowling for the Uralla Central School XI. She keeps stoats
for no apparent reason.
Helga
The rather enormous swedish masseuse, Helga farts a lot. An erstwhile
elderberry picker, her main claim to fame is that of giving birth to herself,
thereby becoming the first temporally intertwined mother/daughter
singularity. She strangles starlings and keeps a tiger. Her hunger caused
her to eat her legs, which were grafted back on. Helga is also a warrior, and
was killed in battle by a passing trans-siberian vapour ray. Into whips and
chains (and the local Commonwealth Bank managers), Helga is also into sailing
and rabbit hunting. In her later years, Helga raised a trig station on the
top of Demis Roussous.
Sally
Ozalp's best loved owner, Sally is a young llama hunter. She also runs the
Black Lingerie Bar for Destitute Hamsters. She has been kidnapped by Robert,
who was jealous that she owned Ozalp. She has an identical twin, Penny, and,
not surprisingly, has slept with Dennis. A close friend to Olga's, Sally was
a one-time possessor of the samurai sword, and has been known to eat half
frozen fish fingers.
Cheryl
Patrick and Anja's daughter, Cheryl was a petite child, and very playful.
She loved playing with Ozalp, and climbing elserberry trees. She grew up,
got a degree in the wave-harmonic theory of magnetohydrodynamically-induced
ion-dissociation techniques, and had two bouncing babies.
Martha
Anja's stepmother, Martha was a stoat thrasher who always wanted Anja to go
to the academy. She used stoats for everything, such as ground fill etc. Her
bagpipes were even made of stoats. A batsperson for the Premier's First XI,
her bifocals were never the right prescription, which made her trip over
things.
Synthia
A vinyl coffin maker and pizza producer, Synthia is also a very sultry woman,
as Dennis quickly found out (and probably Robert, too). This is due to her
diet of female hormones, which took her from being anorexic to a healthy
120kg. She wears flowing black capes, and silky dresses. Synthia often
suffers from amnesia, which causes her fall over and call herself
``Geronimo'', and often has violent dreams. She is known to fondle musical
instruments. She lent her luminous eyes to Ozalp, but they gave him cancer.
Often vicious, she dices children for her main hobby.
Stephanie
The head greenkeeper at the J.T. Moriaty sauna and slug-squashing
ampitheatre. Stephanie uses her job to grow crops of hallucinogenic
dandelions, and marijuana. Her profession caused the unfortunate death of her
mazurka, which was killed by a lawnmower. She keeps a good crop of mangos,
which she harvests with a rotary mango picker. She is known to have planted
the occasional Triffid, and to rollerskate. Stephanie was saved from a fire
by her daughter, unaptly named Aethelfrith. She was the victim of an
attempted murder (by Robert?) when she was buried alive. A student of the
bassoon, Stephanie keeps breaking the strings. She was a one-time possessor
of the samurai sword.
Aethelfrith
Aethelfrith has never really recovered from being given a boy's name, and has
taken to using whips and handcuffs to try and forget it. Often her
embarrasment leads her to stammer. Stephanie's daughter, Aethelfrith
uncovered (at least one of) Robert's murdering of Patrick. A midget, she
once killed her maid Olga in a fit of frenzied rage. She was a one-time
possessor of the samurai sword.
Sir Mervyn Moncrieff
Sir Mervyn Moncrieff is probably the most educated person in history, and is
the proud possessor of at least two hundred degrees and/or titles. His
devotion to finding out is well-known. He developed scores of inventions,
including the rotary mango picker, several types of prosthetic limbs, green
cricket balls, and of course the kneebrace. A keen ornithologist, his
patents include cloning always-dead people. Sir Moncrieff's mistress' name
is unknown. He was also a member of the Uralla Central School XI. His
funeral was interrupted by his long lost daughter from upper Bulgaria, who
made off with his corpse.
Stuart
Stuart is an uncontrollable laugher. In fact, that's all he ever does. His
job as space pilot was always hampered by his laughter. It got on
Stephanie's nerves and she shot him. His irregular sexual habits caused him
to be very friendless, squat, and to constantly burst into laughter for no
apparent reason. Stuart did once stop laughing to partake in the age-old
sport of killing Patrick.
Sarah
Not much to tell, except that she is a fried chicken, and uses vaseline on
anything. At one time she was in love with the Doctor, but he wasn't
interested, and then a Dalek, but he dropped her as she wasn't negative
earth, nor chrome plated.
The Toddler
As yet unnamed, Napoleon's son has had an unfortunate life so far, and is
scarred with its many accidents. It lost an arm and several tendons via an
electric jig-saw, and was crushed to death by a plummeting piano. Glued to a
bowling ball, it was thrown out a skyscraper window. Apart from being eaten
by Ozalp, and having Synthia cut its arm into 1 inch slices, it has also been
messily involved with a rotary mango picker.
Melinda
Somehow related to Stephanie and Patrick, Melinda was a sergeant in the
Police Force, but resigned.
Igor
Possibly Sally's father, Igor had a grandfather who accomplished many
exploits. Igor died when he was printed to death, watched by his mother and
her boyfriend.
Arthur
A lebanese cat owned by Letitia, Arthur vainly tried to cross the Penultimate
Ocean. Even throwing all the useless things overboard didn't help. Then a
head cold struck, and he was forced to swim. He was killed by a descending
foot, and again during a meeting with a rabbit hole.
Alex
Paraglider extraordinaire, it wasn't until his arm came off that he realised
his blood was green. He rollerskates. Alex detests the taste of albatross for
some unknown reason. A kneebrace owner, many things have attached themselves
to said kneebrace. Discoverer of the Chocolate river, and a sampler of
organo-metallic compounds via a urinary sampler, he married a girl called
Mary-Sue and left for Betelgeuse.