Laser Fred Sells a Lightning Arrestor

Laser Fred Sells a Lightning Arrestor

Anthony, Bruce, Bryan, David, Derrick

21st February, 1990

Fred was becoming tired of replacing his feet every six inches. Lately he had discovered that the large rotating knives below his feet had not helped his cause. However, of late, a piece of fresh fruit was recently removed from a fresh tin of preserved fruit, however, Kenneth was not alive. Shocked though he may have been to discover this fact, Kenneth was undetered. When he finally got out from under terd, he discovered his lightning had been arrested.

In a flash, the crash trolley had appeared at the theatre doors and the doctors feverishly clustered around the corpse lying mutilated under the tree.

Patrick was not dead. His nuclear powered life preserver had saved him from a fate worse than death - or was it? because at that moment a large lamington struck him down. Patrick slowly burrowed into the soft dirt to avoid the barrage of mutant lamingtons which threatened his very livelihood, not to mention his not-so-lively pet warthog who used to be a hedgehog sometimes known under the pseudonym of Dennis.

Crunching through the bone, the axe was temporarily nested in Patrick's head. Patrick was rather taken aback at this and so he bought one of the self-unhinging kneebraces, as invented by Sir Mervyn Moncrieff, Ph.D. S.X. M.I.D.I. A.M.E.B., and gave it to Anja for her 999th birthday. Anja held her age very well, considering she only had one arm to hold it with.

There was hope, however: Dr. Karl Gruber, head of the arm transplant unit in the only leg transplant booth in Czeckoslovakia. After losing his only remaining arm in an unfortunate accident with his blender, he was summarily run over by a passing walrus glue factory. In his later years he was able to afford genuine candles. (The quality never confuses yaks.)

Melinda purchased a large bomb, which promptly exploded. Melinda was evenly spread over the surface of the rice bowl, devoid of any particularly appetising morsels, but, surprisingly, just the right size for throwing up down the toilet the next morning.

Another particularly nasty dish can be found in `The Rat Cooker's Guide to Eroticism'. The best recipe in the book was to instantly fry it with a lightning bolt, but microwave manufactorers wanted it banned because they didn't want competition. Elderberries for anti-emetic marinade...

Things were becoming a little weird so Marvin stopped for a little lamington. Once the chocolate delicacy had crossed the road he started again and zoomed off into the setting sun where he found true love gently simmering in the outer fringes of the corona. A nearby prominence flared quietly.

Meanwhile, 92 million miles away, Patrick breathed his last breath for the fifteenth time. On the sixteenth time, he continued to breath. This was so inexplicable that it caught him totally by surprise and so as a consequence he promptly died.

Moreover, `SAPONIFICATION' flashed in 12 foot neon letters coloured brightly in all the colous of the rainbow. This rainbow was the colour of baked bean sandwiches, seen in a diffuse yellow glow. This glow came from a nearby fluorescent kneebrace wielding swordsman.

Plucking the knife from his jugular, Robert gurgled and promply fell over in the ditch on top of Prunella, who was so intoxicated by vodka and her love for Dennis the hedgehog, who stood nearby, that she didn't even notice the tremendous clap of thunder which followed the even more tremendous bolt of lightning which struck the defective lightning arrestor sold by Laser Fred.