14th June, 1989
Amazingly enough, the new-look permanent-press pitch gave Lithuania's medium- pace umpire a more than likely advantage in the match played at the Port Moresby Hilton roof-top cricket ground today. Patrick died, and was replaced by fast bowler and ace cribbage cheat Minnie Bannister.
Unfortunately, the cricket ball hit a crack on the pitch, jagging back and severing Zulich Botham's jugular vein. Carrying on with his head in a cast, Zulich, of the Premier's first XI was able to score a magnificent decade before retiring hurt after being hit on the toe by a kamakaze pigeon. The other batsmen were all troubled greatly by the weather. The tornado caused great damage to the hamlet nearby, but at least the volcano went out.
As the day progressed, lunch was taken in the first test (too many arguments) but this proved to be too crowded and play resumed soon after. As Sir Mervyn Moncrieff took to the field as twelfth man, the second new ball was taken. There is some controversy here, as the experimental green ball with the pink seam wears out faster, but this was solved by not using it.
The captain of the batting team, Patrick, retired dead shortly after. Martha, after taking the single at the end of the over, kept the strike, so she hit the wicket keeper with her remaining strength until she lay lifeless on the boundary. The Uralla Central School XI captain, Anja, was then forced to bring spin into the attack.
After tea, Allan Border was attacked by his bat and had to be taken to hospital. From there, he said `` '' as he died. Back at the oval, Zulich stroked an inswinger to mid on where it was caught in the forest of pine trees there. After a break of several weeks, the mouldy ball was recovered, and went to Iran for refitting. Umpire Salmon Rushdie was given in payment and the game continued with a replacement umpire from the local cricket, gardening and cheese connoisseurs club getting a chance in a test match for the first time. Allan Border returned to the match with a freshly trained bat with clipped wings.
At drinks, the Uralla side died of cyanide poisoning and so the premier's XI avoided the follow-on. Luckily this match was played several years later than the one being discussed. We apologise for this commentator who has obviously joined Uralla's Julia McGillicuddy in one too many drinks. Back to the present, and we see A.B.'s replacement bat viciously attacking one umpire, while Allan, pointy teeth showing, was accidentally rolled down by a ground-keeper. Regaining his form, Zulich hit several beautiful on drives to long off, killing three spectators and a hot sausage roll. Much amusement was caused by a streaker who entered the scene baring her (at this stage since we don't want to encourage this sort of thing all eyes on the scoreboard). All players were forced from the field by the swarm of vampires in hospital gowns, but returned five minutes later. Dennis, facing a vicious slow ball, nicked it with his hockey stick into the hole, birdieing it, and obtaining a break of 35. Potting the pink, the ball was just wide. Dennis W. Hogg was fined for screaming abuse at a linesman but completed the match otherwise sane.
In desperation, Anja brought herself on to bowl, taking the wickets of F. Bloggs and Wellington Boot, the bails of umpire Velikovsky, and sinking her teeth into the neck of a passing visually impaired canine. The army paratroopers delivered a short off-spin ball, causing Zulich to fall back into the bear-trap, thus being out, caught behind.
Next in was Prunella who was immediately rushed upon by several dark men wearing tea-towels and dark glasses. She was retired hurt, and so, play was abandoned at 5:58. It has been speculated that Patrick might declare overnight.
Later he made a statement from his coffin to the effect that todays result was promising, as they were 6 for 255, 3 under par, with a break of 127, and two sets to love in their favour. This lead to a declaration of independence, with the Uralla Central School expected to bat tomorrow. Best bowler was Olga Van Hindermeyer with a royal flush.