11th June, 1989
...completed his century with Patrick's severed head sailing over the boundary for six. The deuteron gathering expedition left Wesborough, and then again three weeks after that.
Expediently, acrostically, nondeterministically, inexplicably, this sentence ended. Splattering in sudden mirth, Stuart cried as he noticed he had been laughing too much, and realised he was out of fuel. Luckily, he found some clear space, and the forceful landing caused the fragile lunar lander to explode violently, creating a new lunar crater 150 meters deep. The pilot, Anja, suffered a bent kneebrace, but unfortunately had to be refitted with a new engine. This didn't really seem to perform the same function, so she decided to invent the camshaft to give more lift but this was doomed to succeed.
Faced with this anomaly, all three participants ignored it strenuously; then they died, somewhat less strenuously. Across the now lifeless and body-strewn sports field, the wind blew, making a lonely, mournful, disconnected sentence with all, and yet, so few, commas interspersed. Patrick, Robert, Prunella, Anja, and Ozalp all seemed to suffer from, but, had this too. Breaking free from this ridiculosity, this sentence managed to die, because of the complex structure.
Meanwhile, in a 400 million year old swamp, Anja's prehistoric ancestors were born in 1945. With a brisk brush of the willow, Patrick caressed the ball to Midkemia narrows. There it was collected by a passing glue factory and promoted to Sergeant-Major. Soccer was becoming increasingly violent and now was farting with gay abandon. Reaching behind her uppermost tendril, Prunella had a big grin on her face because of the original story, which now lay bleeding at her many feet. ``Aha! You son of a silly dog.'' Nobody actually said this.
The Pyramid of Cheops was slowly taking shape in the Nile Valley Computer Centre. The technicians were assembling the power supply and CPU boards, and it was nearly ready to run its first program. However, before it could be loaded the volcano blew up, killing all in the hamlet of the Nile Valley Computer Centre. Nothing remained but to give up pretending and admit that the whole thing had been a farce. How many hours of time (or chewy bits) had been wasted? While Anja had been away, Ozalp had been busy. Four separate kneebraces were now buried next to his kennel, and Ozalp was in despair, running aimlessly.
Meanwhile, halfway up the mountain, a huge boulder was making its way toward the little hamlet of Wesborough where only several million people lived and would not be missed should such a terrible thing befall them. Meanwhile, ten years later, Anja lost control of the time machine and shot backward 40 years before she could go 50 years into the future.
As the dawn broke, the infinitesimally small elephants grew. As they grew, they began to look less like elephants and more like mice. The zoo was empty now, since all the termites had now packed their bags and headed for the nearest Amazon rain forest.
However this seemed so unlikely that it probably didn't happen at all and was only a figment of Robert's dreams, but Robert didn't really understand Prunella's 400 million year old fetish for smoked elephants nearly as much as her predilection for Robert.
Soon after, the members of the Hedgehog Elimination Society stormed the offices of the Wesborough branch of the Society for the Elimination of Hedgehogs. Dennis the hedgehog found this hard to believe since the writer of this particular line had killed them off in a previous paragraph of this story. Anyhow, not to be outdone, Dennis decided he would cancel all rights to using his name in any story and so instantly ceased to be.
Meanwhile, ten years earlier we come back to the original story. And 400 million years before that, another story is fighting desperately to be murdered.
The Dalek had dropped Sarah, as she wasn't negative earth, nor chrome plated. The Dalek died, leaving the company without a quantity surveyor. The drunken, but highly versatile Julia McGillicuddy applied for a grant and got it and left on the next flight for Metabelis 3.
Meanwhile, in an as yet unnamed hamlet in an even more mysterious volcano region, Prunella was boarding the bus which would take her away from that desolate wasteland. Sadly, she waved goodbye to the passing crowd of stand-ins and she realised that it was only a movie in which she stared. She had never seen a staring movie before, and found the whole thing somewhat disconcerting. However, the concert continued with one of the Beatles being executed for heinous sins. The fire used to burn him at the stake came from the resulting eruptions of the nearby volcano.
Screaming in utter, utter (as if it were a mere nightmare) terror, Anja screamed again, and again, and again. Eventually someone shot her out of sheer exhilaration, proclaiming: ``Will you marry me, or are you betrothed to a porcelain statue of Queen Victoria with lots of little curly bits and other things such as shoes on her nose?'' The Society for Hedgehog Elimination suddenly eliminated himself and the Queen was very happy since, though it was for no apparent reason.
Realising that he had gotten all too involved in writing the story, the author got out of it and ran away to marry one of the lead singers in the famous heavy metal band Pb2O4 who then didn't even have an allotrope to leave her will to. Prunella and Robert did it again in a cupboard, smashing all the crockery.
The Sculptor constellation is probably the most boring in the night sky. However a rather nice view of the volcano can be seen from the small hamlet beneath it. For no apparent reason (which seems to happen a lot, for no apparent reason) all hamlets referred to henceforth will be known as other places but for no apparent reason this hard to believe sense did make no, but the high heat is touched so take care!
For more information, give up. Also take penicillin and licorice for bad breath. If your leg falls off, I suggest visiting a qualified welder. For indigestion, take brake fluid with 40W/50 oil heated over a naked flame which would cause great embarrassment to everyone. Wondering if that had made any sense at all and it didn't.
Anyway, back to the real story, and we see Anja just about to knife Frederick between the mid-50's. In that century, an Aboriginal explorer discovered England (New Northern Australia), leaving a flag, several large monuments to the striped numbat, and a multi-dimensional splon-reversal which Robert had had picked for him by a couple of friends who were incredibly drunk at the time. However, this is as it seemed only to those who knew him.
Robert held his sword aloft, declaring, ``This is the last time I go shopping at K-mart.'' This may seem irrelevant, perhaps even irreverant. If so, please consult your nearest foot which holds the key to life. If in doubt, commit suicide, preferably taking the maximum number of living things with you. If not in doubt, destroy the thing before it kills you. Unfortunately, Patrick, although slightly dead, was able to inject enough coffee to come back to life, and died.
Meantime, in a 400 million year old swamp, Grunt McDrool was not existent, so he couldn't turn the gas off. In a later eon, a passing pragmatic persona purloined Patrick, killing him in the process. He was never seen or heard of again (or before for that matter). All feet were evacuated, including Patrick's.
How had it been so, he wondered, then wondering, wondered what it was he was wondering. How many tubular bells were required to make an album?
Suddenly Patrick leapt out of the story and looked about the crowded room. He noticed the padded walls with surprise, then noticed the room was empty. Carefully, he filled the room, then ran off hoping no-one would notice the missing kneebraces. Sadly, they did, and they killed him and recouped the kneebraces which could be melted down to use as rotary nuclear fridges and mango pickers to be used in a post-war epic featuring six insane failed authors in a frenzied story-mashing.
Later on nobody turned the gas off. Eventually the gas company underwent chapter 11 bankruptcy proceedings and stopped producing the stuff. Anti-technology nuts claimed the enormous loss of jobs was caused by fusion fridges being radically driven by rather drunk company executives in such a way that not many survived the trip and yet Robert knew that his leg had fallen off and been borrowed by the amazingly versatile Ozalp.
Sarah had given up on the Doctor and had started dating a Dalek from Metabelis 3 which had given up extermination to become a quantity surveyor. Terrifyingly, he was exceedingly bad at his job, and consequently became Mayor of a small hamlet under a nearby volcano. It is, of course, totally stupid and unlikely for any of the events previously described to occur and so it seemed easiest if everyone died and started life somewhere else, and then again two months later.
Some 400 million years earlier, nobody was around to turn the gas off. This was unfortunate, as those primitive life-forms not poisoned perished in the later explosion. This made for a less than interesting ecology. Sir Mervyn Moncrieff moved his stubbies to a more hospitable climate, somewhere where the grass was green and the hills were rolling. In fact, to a little hamlet just outside a nearby volcano, to continue his stubbies in curry cooking and the art of Zen lovemaking in a globular condom. ``Pock'' he said, as he started a new paragraph, then he realised he shouldn't be talking about the story he was writing. Arnold, the fat Indian curry chef, ran a small drugs and sex market on Sundays in church. His brother, now nearly 400 million years old, resided in another universe and need not concern us.
Prunella, a meta-womble from Suffolk, ate her mega-dodo with port and orthopaedically designed sandals. These caused indigestion. ``Prunella, I love you!'', shouted Dennis as she collapsed into a screaming heap. Dennis had no idea who had left it there. Prunella gasped for a third time. It was no longer a pleasure but a pain for Robert to start his next disjointed and meaningless sentence fragment. Help! How do I get out of! But the priceless jewel lay upon the hearth, sparkling in the fusion radiation. Sally brought the samurai sword crashing down on the energy-soaked crystal radio set, much to the disappointment of Ozalp since it was around his neck at the time.
This in fact did not make a sense. Neither did that. Nor that. None of these are. So there.
Anyway, since they were bored at the time, they decided to kill someone which sprayed the wall with her blood. Screaming, her kneebrace fell off, and, as Anja suffered from blood loss and shock, Patrick died. Anja took safety lessons. Gilbert vowed never to return, unless he returned.
Meanwhile on a volcano nearby the hamlet of `Deadringer', Patrick was recovering from his big night out with his friend Yorrick. A large magnificent mole suddenly erupted on Patrick's face, causing him to die, thus ending Patrick's part in this. However, for our reader's benefit, Patrick did take part in several other events, as he was busy writing this story. The snow drift lazily crept up the typewriter, jamming the `z',`v',`c' and `m' keys and melting slightly, causing the ink to run in the paper and out the door before saying so much as a nursery rhyme or an unusually long word such as `floccapaucinnahulipilification'.
Breathing a sigh of relief, Olga removed a large pointed dog from her head and said ``Ouch! I'm glad that dog didn't have any hair otherwise I'd be forced to manipulate my superiors so as to keep the situation in Metabelis 3 profitable to our black marketeers. Also we need cheese''.
This was remarkable since the major portion of Metabelis 3 ' crust was made of parmesan cheese, and not elephant excrement as previously thought. More amazing still was that it needed only a small volcano to blow up most of the remaining excrement. But there was hope that our attempts at this story would succeed.
``Help! I am trying to get out but my fusion fridge has run out of deuterons''. So saying this, Don Bradman ...