Longing For A Large Theodolite

Anthony, Brendan, Callum, David, Derrick, Warren

7th May, 1989

Alvin the aardvark, having insufficient quantity, merely went surveying. He longed for an instrument which would please his boss, Patrick. The quantity surveyor was very unhappy because of no reason in particular.

Anyway, Theodore was upset; his madeira failed to make him drunk. Feeling depressed, he took his largest theodolite and threw it out the window, where it landed and exploded, killing Anja instantly. This was unfortunate, because Anja was eating some yak fat at the time, which made her sick, so being hard of hearing she took the nearest bottle of valium and committed suicide.

Out of a distant potato emerged the virile Anja, who had been hunting for potato maggots. She met Theodore in the forest where he was sitting admiring his theodolite. Anja ran screaming in the opposite direction and fell down a big hole breaking both her legs and her neck but was still alive until she died several minutes later.

Ten years previously, Martha the stoat thrasher saw her stepdaughter Anja for the last time, as she died. ``Have a good time at the academy'' were her last words. Anja was puzzled, as she was not planning to go to any academy, but by a strange coincidence, she was dead and this solved the problem admirably.

Ozalp was seen making off with a leg which he buried in the garden in which Patrick was about to quantity survey. Recently Martha had suggested to Patrick that stoats were a good levelling medium for theodolites, and that her being a stoat thrasher would enable most of the fish fingers to thaw. Patrick thought this was a specious argument, but who would believe a dead man? Perhaps Sally was right. She ate them still half frozen and died of food poisoning.

Sally's close friend Olga was driving her husband's fridge to work one day when it stopped working in the middle of a rather large knat factory in which none of the above was true. In fact the whole story up to now has been a figment of Robert's fevered imaginings under the influence of certain substances used as lubricants in theodolites, and also known to be present in certain fridges. These can cause nasty headaches when inhaled by sticking long hoses of jelly custard inside the inner thighs of Martha's cold corpse. Eventually the theodolite market crashed and they all gave up.