29th April, 1989
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, a big black dog lay asleep in the sun. The sun was also asleep, which was a good idea really since it was suffering an acute bout of death.
Sally looked at the dog and said, ``Wake up, we are going llama hunting. Wake up, Ozalp!''. Little did the early morning caller know that Ozalp was dead. Upon inspection of the corpse he saw it was only a temporary state, and he would recover given enough postage stamps and lettuce.
Drawing his redder-than-black pen from his underwear, Igor wrote a small cheque to the looney on his left, who was busily eating everything that didn't eat elderberries and peas as he didn't like them shoved up his nose, except on Tuesdays after lunchtime at Sally's Black Lingerie Bar for Destitute Hamsters (and aforementioned elderberry eaters).
At this point in time a large bus drove through the bar killing all of its occupants instantly. Anja, however, quickly cloned the people by using the new cold-fusion IVF device, which had the unfortunate side effect of killing all involved by high energy radiation.
Further down the mountain, Robert drove his nuclear powered fridge into a river, then ran home and shouted loudly ``Quick, Sally has been kidnapped, the fridge has disappeared, and Ozalp the dog has been kicked to death by an angry llama''.
At this time the Police had arrived and had started taking down the details of Ozalp's brutal murder. Meanwhile the Special Branch was starting to ask questions about Sally's kidnapping, when suddenly a huge nuclear device exploded.
In a cottage nearby, Patrick mused over Robert's incorrect belief in Pat's death. ``He couldn't kill me, Anja!'' he laughed as he ripped the thin silk from her grasp and tied the scarf about his neck. He was wearing, amongst other things, a long flowing dress with beautiful pink lace around the edges; this of course clashed with his rather large white Cadillac which he had just driven up the side of Mount Everest.
Penny, Sally's identical twin, took her purse out and presented Igor with the scalp of his grandfather, who was eaten the week before. Although much is known of the exploits of this grandfather, we do not know his or her name.
After making his fortune inventing the self re-inking pencil, Sir Mervyn Moncrieff, Ph.D, F.R.S, F.R.N.Z.S, R.T.F.M, E.C.L, decided to devote the rest of his life to finding out. As with many other obsessed people, he failed totally. At his funeral, people hurled big black bent things at the hearse to show how much they really didn't like big black bent things, and that they were very tidy citizens. The hearse was now used as the local reservoir for big black bent things that were no longer needed by the very tidy citizens dressed in mauve.
Igor stood laughing at them, but then he fell back and his hair caught in the tractor feed; screaming, he was printed to death. But before he died, the tractor motor jammed, leaving him dangling in a bloody heap and dying slowly from blood loss, while his mother and her boyfriend watched as they had tea.
Ozalp the dog, confident that he had had his revenge, sat quietly chewing lettuce leaves, thinking that Sally would be nearly finished at the lingerie shop. Igor's mum thoughtfully eyed the samurai sword hanging over the mantelpiece, then shook her head and walked back to the tractor shed.