The Characters

The Characters


A knat, although sometimes mistaken as a meta-womble, Prunella is prone to giggling drunkenly in ditches. A member of Greenpeace, she is very wrinkly, with many folds of skin, sharp teeth, versatile eyelashes and has several melifluous tendrils. She often says ``Golly'', and has a taste for smoked elephants. She is married to Dennis, and previously was his lover. Prunella has had relationships with many other people, including Wesborough, Ozalp, and Robert, for whom she has a predilection. Her talents include being a rock guitarist, a batsperson for the Premier's First XI, and a samurai sword wielder.


Robert is an unpleasant fellow. His murderous tendencies have resulted in many casualties including dogs, goats, Letitia, but mostly Patrick. His hatred of Patrick stems from the fact that Robert gave birth to Patrick, a painful delivery. Many of Robert's victims are buried in the field of elderberries, and he is often seen dragging the corpses to their final resting place. Robert is of course wanted by the police, and has gone to extraordinary length to avoid capture. His most impressive escape was to turn the universe off. Robert drives a nuclear-powered fridge, and plays water polo with slugs. One-time lover of Prunella, Robert did become engaged, but his fiancee died before her name was revealed. He has an illicit sister, Olga, and once owned Ozalp, but Ozalp left him for Patrick. Robert hates mangoes, as he was once killed by a rotary mango picker. Other talents include being a samurai sword wielder, vinyl coffin maker (with Synthia), blood-filled shiraz connoiseur, stoat skin bag-piper, and ethiopean nose-fluter. He has lost several arms, legs and hips in his life, which is to be expected.


Patrick is a professional corpse. He has been never been alive in his existence, which tires him sometimes. His arch-enemy, Robert, takes particular delight in killing him, although Patrick occasionally achieves revenge. He grew up in Amityville, in Anja's year, and they fell in love. They married after they left school. Their first child was Cheryl. Patrick has a brother Norman, and once owned Ozalp, but Ozalp went off with Sally. He is prone to wearing lacy dresses, and owns a volvo. One-time posessor of the samurai sword, Partick has an iron leg, a wooden leg, and at least one normal leg. His only claim to fame is to have been the captain of the Premier's First XI.


An extremely talented and versatile person, Anja is a competent swedish nurse, domestic pilot, hostess, flasher, rock singer, cellist, time traveller, maintenance engineer and masseuse. She was taught to massage by Olga. She has overcome her dreadful leg disabilities with the aid of kneebraces, which she has aplenty. Anja married Patrick after a school romance, and gave birth to Cheryl. Her stepmother is Martha, whose plans to send Anja to the academy did not come to fruition. Anja's marriage has sometimes been strained, due to Patrick's smell, and she has had relationships with Dennis, and possibly Robert. Her main problem is her tendency to scream continuously. Apart from this, she is known as a duck owner, rollerskater, and captain of the Uralla Central School XI.


Randy to the extreme, and willing to sleep with anybody, Dennis' lovelife improved after the operation which changed him from a hedgehog to a warthog. Although married to Prunella, he has related to Anja, Letitia, Synthia, Olga, and possibly every female he has ever encountered. An activist determined to overthow the Hedgehog Elimination Society, Dennis likes elderberry wine, and is an elderberry picker. Unfortunately of Czeckoslovakian descent, Dennis like all good characters has succumbed to death, and was buried under a waterfall to keep him cold. His talents include riding a supersplon reversible supercharged hamster foot, being a batsperson in the Premier's First XI, and the saxophone.


A large pointy dog with no eyes, Ozalp is a wise and wild bush dog. His black coat comes and goes depending on if he is having chemotherapy or not. He has been owned by Wesborough, Robert, Patrick \& Anja, Cheryl, Synthia and lately Sally, to whom he is devoted. He eats lettuce, cabbage, mushrooms, toddlers, and enjoys nibbling on legs too. Ozalp has an affection for kneebraces, which he often hides. A llama hunter, he was killed by a ferocious llama, although Robert is possibly connected in some way with the death, as Robert later killed him with a car. One of Prunella's lovers, Ozalp uses chickens as a sex aid. He temporarily gained sight when given a pair of luminous eyes by Synthia. Ozalp's pet hates are unripe elderberries and lethargic mazurkas. Ozalp has a close friend and tree-piddling partner called Freddy.


A bloodthirsty warrior, Letitia ploughs into battle in her rollerskates, wielding a double grunge blaster/grease gun. Once Dennis' lover, she left him as he kept borrowing her space ship. Very impestuous, Letitia has been known to go to the doctor's naked. Killed by Robert with furniture polish, she had previously suffered at Robert's hands when he was using an orbital sander and a woodwork plane.


Robert's illicit sister, Olga is an accomplished masseuse, and is Helga's sister. Olga has a metal nose, and is Aethelfrith's maid, which has lead to one of her deaths. She taught Anja how to massage, lending her an arm when things got desperate. She suffered from a severe case of radiation sickness at one stage. She is a close friend of Sally's, and is married, possibly to Robert. Her talents include the violin (she owns a Stradivarius), hang-gliding, and bowling for the Uralla Central School XI. She keeps stoats for no apparent reason.


The rather enormous swedish masseuse, Helga farts a lot. An erstwhile elderberry picker, her main claim to fame is that of giving birth to herself, thereby becoming the first temporally intertwined mother/daughter singularity. She strangles starlings and keeps a tiger. Her hunger caused her to eat her legs, which were grafted back on. Helga is also a warrior, and was killed in battle by a passing trans-siberian vapour ray. Into whips and chains (and the local Commonwealth Bank managers), Helga is also into sailing and rabbit hunting. In her later years, Helga raised a trig station on the top of Demis Roussous.


Ozalp's best loved owner, Sally is a young llama hunter. She also runs the Black Lingerie Bar for Destitute Hamsters. She has been kidnapped by Robert, who was jealous that she owned Ozalp. She has an identical twin, Penny, and, not surprisingly, has slept with Dennis. A close friend to Olga's, Sally was a one-time possessor of the samurai sword, and has been known to eat half frozen fish fingers.


Patrick and Anja's daughter, Cheryl was a petite child, and very playful. She loved playing with Ozalp, and climbing elserberry trees. She grew up, got a degree in the wave-harmonic theory of magnetohydrodynamically-induced ion-dissociation techniques, and had two bouncing babies.


Anja's stepmother, Martha was a stoat thrasher who always wanted Anja to go to the academy. She used stoats for everything, such as ground fill etc. Her bagpipes were even made of stoats. A batsperson for the Premier's First XI, her bifocals were never the right prescription, which made her trip over things.


A vinyl coffin maker and pizza producer, Synthia is also a very sultry woman, as Dennis quickly found out (and probably Robert, too). This is due to her diet of female hormones, which took her from being anorexic to a healthy 120kg. She wears flowing black capes, and silky dresses. Synthia often suffers from amnesia, which causes her fall over and call herself ``Geronimo'', and often has violent dreams. She is known to fondle musical instruments. She lent her luminous eyes to Ozalp, but they gave him cancer. Often vicious, she dices children for her main hobby.


The head greenkeeper at the J.T. Moriaty sauna and slug-squashing ampitheatre. Stephanie uses her job to grow crops of hallucinogenic dandelions, and marijuana. Her profession caused the unfortunate death of her mazurka, which was killed by a lawnmower. She keeps a good crop of mangos, which she harvests with a rotary mango picker. She is known to have planted the occasional Triffid, and to rollerskate. Stephanie was saved from a fire by her daughter, unaptly named Aethelfrith. She was the victim of an attempted murder (by Robert?) when she was buried alive. A student of the bassoon, Stephanie keeps breaking the strings. She was a one-time possessor of the samurai sword.


Aethelfrith has never really recovered from being given a boy's name, and has taken to using whips and handcuffs to try and forget it. Often her embarrasment leads her to stammer. Stephanie's daughter, Aethelfrith uncovered (at least one of) Robert's murdering of Patrick. A midget, she once killed her maid Olga in a fit of frenzied rage. She was a one-time possessor of the samurai sword.

Sir Mervyn Moncrieff

Sir Mervyn Moncrieff is probably the most educated person in history, and is the proud possessor of at least two hundred degrees and/or titles. His devotion to finding out is well-known. He developed scores of inventions, including the rotary mango picker, several types of prosthetic limbs, green cricket balls, and of course the kneebrace. A keen ornithologist, his patents include cloning always-dead people. Sir Moncrieff's mistress' name is unknown. He was also a member of the Uralla Central School XI. His funeral was interrupted by his long lost daughter from upper Bulgaria, who made off with his corpse.


Stuart is an uncontrollable laugher. In fact, that's all he ever does. His job as space pilot was always hampered by his laughter. It got on Stephanie's nerves and she shot him. His irregular sexual habits caused him to be very friendless, squat, and to constantly burst into laughter for no apparent reason. Stuart did once stop laughing to partake in the age-old sport of killing Patrick.


Not much to tell, except that she is a fried chicken, and uses vaseline on anything. At one time she was in love with the Doctor, but he wasn't interested, and then a Dalek, but he dropped her as she wasn't negative earth, nor chrome plated.

The Toddler

As yet unnamed, Napoleon's son has had an unfortunate life so far, and is scarred with its many accidents. It lost an arm and several tendons via an electric jig-saw, and was crushed to death by a plummeting piano. Glued to a bowling ball, it was thrown out a skyscraper window. Apart from being eaten by Ozalp, and having Synthia cut its arm into 1 inch slices, it has also been messily involved with a rotary mango picker.


Somehow related to Stephanie and Patrick, Melinda was a sergeant in the Police Force, but resigned.


Possibly Sally's father, Igor had a grandfather who accomplished many exploits. Igor died when he was printed to death, watched by his mother and her boyfriend.


A lebanese cat owned by Letitia, Arthur vainly tried to cross the Penultimate Ocean. Even throwing all the useless things overboard didn't help. Then a head cold struck, and he was forced to swim. He was killed by a descending foot, and again during a meeting with a rabbit hole.


Paraglider extraordinaire, it wasn't until his arm came off that he realised his blood was green. He rollerskates. Alex detests the taste of albatross for some unknown reason. A kneebrace owner, many things have attached themselves to said kneebrace. Discoverer of the Chocolate river, and a sampler of organo-metallic compounds via a urinary sampler, he married a girl called Mary-Sue and left for Betelgeuse.