From alt.fan.goons Sun Apr 11 17:58:34 1993 Path: a2i!sgiblab!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!wupost!waikato.ac.nz!canterbury.ac.nz!math!jsv Newsgroups: alt.fan.goons Subject: Re: Are there any Goon Show scripts available by FTP? Message-ID: From: jsv@math.canterbury.ac.nz (Julian Visch) Date: Mon, 12 Apr 1993 00:03:05 GMT References: Organization: Department of Mathematics, University of Canterbury Nntp-Posting-Host: sss330.canterbury.ac.nz Lines: 1047 Answer yes below is one of two that I have, I will post the other next week. The Call of the West First Shown: 12 show of 9th series. (75th Overseas Transmission) Secondary Title: Captain Stingo, or Goon Law, or Anythinggggg, or Hern! Cast (in no particular order) (Harry Secombe) Neddie Seagoon Lootentant Hern-Hern Bluebottle's Mum Uncle Oscar (Spike Milligan) Eccles Count Moriarty Miss Minnie Bannister Singhiz Thingz Little Jim (Peter Sellars) Colonel Slocombe Dr Dennis Bloodnok Henry Crun Bluebottle Hern Hercules Gryptpyte Thynne (Ray Ellington) Chief Investor (Wallace Greenslade) A BBC Announcer (Max Geldray) Fred Smith, OBE Here we go: Wallace This is the BBC. Neddie Seagoon Good! Now, Wallace, here is that same announcement by a midget. Wallace Who's he?! Neddie Seagoon I'm a friend of Bert F'tang. Peter F'tang? Neddie Seagoon F'ting! Peter Findacoo! Neddie Seagoon F'too! Peter Foulzow! Neddie Seagoon F'ting Spike A friend of Bert F'tang! Wallace Dear spon-de-leven. You are listening to the sound track of this weeks wonder ear-film, presenting: Captain Stingo, or .... Hern Goon War, or anything or hern. Hern See, hear and smell hairless midget, Harry Seagoon as Captain Rapture. Hard riding, hard shooting, hard up cowboy. Neddie Seagoon Hello, you ornery critters! Hern This role calls for great audience imagination. See, feel and hit Spike Milligna as the dying actor. Spike Ooouch! Hern Yes, for the first time on your radio screen, so the hand- operated, electric teeth, of Peter 'Voices' Sellars, as Big Black Beauty, the mad wall paper stallion. Listen to the strains of Tex McClain, and his sons of the bicycle saddle... <'Give me a home, where the buffalo roam' - then much laying about with a metal instrument, accompanied by cries of 'oh!' and 'oh dear'> Wallace This then is your entertainment for this evening. Neddie Seagoon Come back, come back! Wallace It is 1867 and dead on time. The harbour of Boston is a hive of inactivity, as English immigrants bring their shattered bank accounts to the New World. Along side is the Good Ship Venus. A plim plam toof, noSinghiz Thingzity niSinghiz Thingzity noo, pleta omnivorous plethora, pletty plom plom tartity to to tooee, fit plor tong tang tit putt putt.... I say, I can't read this ruSinghiz Thingzish! I - oh! Little Jim He fallin' in da water! Neddie Seagoon Yes, sonny, its a tradition amongst drowning men. now, come lets step ashore onto america, the land of plenty. Gravelly Hern Hey bud, gotta nickel for a cup of coffee? Neddie Seagoon You poor man, you must be starving. Here, take that. Gravelly Hern Oh, buddy. Neddie Seagoon That'll teach him not to be poor in front of me again. fill the horses up with three gallons of hay. hahaha. What a gallant figure I must have made, with my tricorn hat, tricorn trousers, and an unexplodeded version of the Union Jack. Grytpyte Thynne Look sir, I too am heading west, with this retired wooden fissssh crate. Moriarty OOOOwwwwww. Let me out of here, Grytpyte Thynne, the pound, the pound, Grytpyte Thynne Neddie Seagoon I say, what are those yellow things, champing at the knothole? Grytpyte Thynne They are the teeth of a dear friend and confidante, the great French poet and lyric plumber, Count Jim 'Flies' Moriartyiarty. Apart from which, he is inventing something. Grytpyte Thynne Listen, he's working on it, my dear sir. E'en now, he treads the keys of his Adolf saxophone. Could we hire, perchance a room on your covered wagon, so that the Count my continue undisturbed by disturb? Neddie Seagoon Well.... there's no bath. Grytpyte Thynne No bath? Just what the Count likes at the end of a long day. Neddie Seagoon Right. Now, where's the rent? Grytpyte Thynne In my trousers. Neddie Seagoon He bent down, and sure enough, he had a rent in his trousers!! California! here we come! Get up there. Neddie Seagoon I say... will all those prarie dogs stop howling? Grytpyte Thynne They're always howling..... no trees on the prarie. Neddie Seagoon Listeners who recognise that joke please keep their traps shut. Well, I'm going to bed. G'night. ah, 18 stone, 3. Gads, I'm a heavy sleeper. Moriarty Let me out, buddy. Grytpyte Thynne Shhhhhh. Quiet in that crate. Moriarty Is it night or day? Grytpyte Thynne Fool, that sort of thing is only for the rich. Moriarty Let me out, oh, buddy. Grytpyte Thynne I'll let you out when you've made enough saxophones to sell to the indians. Moriarty I've made corud-serc-neef-nook-she saxophones Grytpyte Thynne Have you? Well, come out. Now, which of all these fish-bones is you? Moriarty I'm the one with hairs on. Neddie Seagon What's that? The indian by screams! Quick Eccles I did a mutton shop in Tennessee I dud a myarmya Neddie Seagoon What luck! Its Davy Eccles and his goon-shin cat! Eccles uraluckum eraluckumuluckaluckumurlum doishinook ow Neddie Seagoon You do and you clean it up mate. Eccles They're all with me tonight... Neddie Seagoon Now listen. Eccles yeah Neddie Seagoon We need help Eccles yeah Neddie Seagoon Those indians are over powering us. Get through to Fort F'tang, Eccles F'tang Neddie Seagoon ... and fetch help. Eccles Ok. Neddie Seagoon Here's the fare. Eccles ta! Giddup! Neddie Seagoon Fortunately for us folks, a bare ten miles away, the US 6th cavalry were in the area. And a bare ten miles in America is equal to three fully-clothed miles in France! Colonel Slocombe Whoa! There's disChief Investorpline for you. [spits] Lootenant Hern-Hern? Lootenant Hern-Hern Yes sir? Colonel Slocombe Where's your horse? Lootenant Hern-Hern You only called me sir. Colonel Slocombe Well, thats a good answer son. you must be mighty proud of it. Lootenant Hern-Hern It belonged to my father Hern. Colonel Slocombe Its a well-worn hern, yeah. Here's a dollarhern. Lootenant Hern-Hern A dollarhern? What forhern? Colonel Slocombe Its pay as you hearn. [spits] Sargent F'doo? Where's the chapwagonhern? sf 's..hine, the worst hine, sir, a most.... hawf hine. Colonel Slocombe Well, if you say so. [spits] I'm sorry, Sarge. Here, catch this lifebelt! sf thank you! Lootenant Hern-Hern We better get going, Colonel - they say that the NoSinghiz Thingzlynee indians are in the viChief Investornty. nni [singing] I'll be calling you And I'll answer true Lootenant Hern-Hern Its three lone indians! Colonel Slocombe Call 'em over, we could do with a loan hern, yeah Lootenant Hern-Hern Great Jumping Fanancopants! Its the NoSinghiz Thingzlynee Tribe in full war- paint and wall-paper. Chief Investor Ugggg! me Chief Investor - in Wall Street. Chief Sitting Bull and Bear, this is my squaw. Squaw Wallace How do you do? Chief Investor Ugggg! Colonel Slocombe Yes, I thought that too. Chief Investor And this nit here is my son, great warrior, Fred Smith, OBE. Fred Smith Hello boy, I had eggs for tea Colonel Slocombe Yes, he looks mighty tall in the saddle Chief Investor That's cos he's on a horse mate! Omnes Tada! Colonel Slocombe Chief, we wanna do business. We're willing to knock all your teeth out for nothin', and give you genuine false ones in exchange for an old buffalo hide Chief Investor Mmmmm. Ug. All my braves have buffalo hides Colonel Slocombe Well, where's yours? Chief Investor Where's my what, mate? Colonel Slocombe Where's your buffalo hide? Chief Investor He's hiding behind that tree mate. Omnes Tada! Chief Investor Look! Wait a minut! Me no like what white man offer. You go, or my braves go on four-lane warpath. And I'll give you biff and conk! biff! Fred Smith That's my dad, boys. Colonel Slocombe Watch out Sitting Bull, or I'll get you, sure as my name's Custer. Eccles Oh, here, here, here, here! Oh, here, here! Lootenant Hern-Hern Holy Smoke! Its something going here, here, here, here! Eccles Well, its me going here, here, here, here! Colonel Slocombe Steady there son. Eccles The wagon-train with your wife onboard is being attacked by the indians! Colonel Slocombe My wife! Is she safe? Eccles Yeah. Colonel Slocombe I never did like them indians. Lootenant Hern-Hern Did any follow ya? Eccles Yeah, they're shootin' at me all the time, but I just stuck my tongue out at dem. Lootenant Hern-Hern Get wounded? Eccles Yeah. Lootenant Hern-Hern Where? Eccles In the tongue. ahaha. Lootenant Hern-Hern Well, for no reason at all, FORWARD! Wallace That night the tribes were assembled for war. A white man and his fish crate were the centre of attention. Gryp I come as a fellow equity member with all dues paid. First I knock on box, so [knocks] Tribes oh! ah! oh! Grytpyte Thynne Yes! We bring you saxophones! Chief Me like - me play Moriarty You play lovly, chief Grytpyte Thynne Yes, he plays lovly, doesn't he. Could easily pass for music. Chief Good! Tonight, me and braves attack white men with saxophones! Mooohaaaaa! Minnie! Moohaaaaa! Colonel Slocombe Gentlemen, someones supplying the indians with saxophones. [spits] Neddy Seagoon I think I know who it is. Colonel Slocombe Bring that thing closer, will ya? You were saying hern? Neddy Seagoon I know who they are. Moriarty and Thynne. Colonel Slocombe Where's they hiding? Neddy Seagoon America Colonel Slocombe Sargent, make a note of that, of the address will ya? Sargent Eccles How, how do you spell it? Colonel Slocombe Don't bother how to spell it, just write it down Sargent Eccles Ookay... Colonel Slocombe Now read it back to me Sargent Eccles umbalalarlackum Colonel Slocombe That sounds like the place to me. Alright men! Search America and look under the beds! Moriarty Grytpyte Thynnepyte, they've got wind of us! We've got to get away, I tell you! ooooaaaaoaooaoaoaaa! Grytpyte Thynne Don't panic, Count. Get into this woman's disguise kit, while Ray Ellington releases his power of song on an unsuspecting world. {Ray Ellington bit} Wallace Meantime, in Dodge City, television centre of the old west, a quack hawks his wares, and 'wares his hawks - whichever way is the better, I wouldn't know. Bloodnok Ohhhh! Ohh, that's done me a power of good folks! And there's more where that came from! Citizens of Dodge City! Bloodnok's the name! Dr Dennis Bloodnok, late of Harley St, Twickenham. Now then, I've cured the aristocrats of the plin, and the plarmers. Let me read this testimonial, sir: Dear Sir. Since taking your course of Thunderpills, I feel like a new man. Signed, Mrs Ivy Chandler. Now then, who will be the first to try it, I say, who will be the first! Singhiz Thingz Wait, wait, wait a moment sir. Bloodnok You'll try some? Give him a big hand! Singhiz Thingz Thank you sir, thank you. Bloodnok Now then, Mystic Son of the East, sip this small sulphur and licorice bomb Look! Ooo! Before my eyes, before my military eyes, the colour is coming back to his pallid loincloth! How do you feel, Prince of the East? Singhiz Thingz I don't feel well, I feel, I, I, I feel very, very ill. Bloodnok Ill!? Crowd You're a quack, mister, you're a quack! Bloodnok Steady, yankee doodles, or I'll have the red-coats on you! Careful there! ooo! Careful there! Grytpyte Thynne I say, barman? Drinks, for my lady. Moriarty Yes, I'll have a glass of fish and chips. Grytpyte Thynne And see you put a good head on it! Barman (Ellington) Well, we don't keep and drinks called Fish and Chips. Grytpyte Thynne What! Come, Moriarty, we shall take our trade, and malnutrition elsewhere. Lootenant Hern-Hern Hold everything! I'm Lootenant Hern-Hern of the US cavalry. We sell charges to regular customers, they'd like to meet you two sirs. We lookin' for two men who have been selling contraband saxophones to the red indians, thereby causing unemployment amongst white musiChief Investorans. Moriarty gickaboohickgickkccaSinghiz Thingzooo. Lootenant Hern-Hern Pardon me, ma'am - your wigs's fallen off. Grytpyte Thynne Wig! How dare you sir? The unfortunate woman just happens to have gone bald suddenly. Its obviosly a case of the new lightning French allepiChief Investora (sp?) from the song of the same name. Moriarty Thats right, thats right, [singing]: AllepiChief Investora, lightning allepiChief Investora AllepiChief Investora, your hair Grytpyte Thynne [singing] First you get it on your nut. Moriarty First you get it on your nut! On my nut! Grytpyte Thynne On his nut! Moriarty On my nut! Omnes Ooooh! AllepiChief Investora, lightning allepiChief Investora AllepiChief Investora, Lootenant Hern-Hern Hold it! Omnes [dribble off to a halt, ending in Moriarty, then Bloodnok] Lootenant Hern-Hern Stop that allepiChief Investora! One moment, you two, I seem to recognise your face sir. Take off that false nose! Grytpyte Thynne What! Lootenant Hern-Hern Ahah. Now them false ears Grytpyte Thynne I protest! Lootenant Hern-Hern Now that false suit. And that false chest. Moriarty ooww. Lootenant Hern-Hern Hahaha. Just as i thought - I don't know who you are. Who are ye? Grytpyte Thynne Lord Nelson Lootenant Hern-Hern He had one arm missing. Grytpyte Thynne I have - I used to have three Eccles Hello, fellas! ulaluckumberdoy. Care to have a hand of cards? Lootenant Hern-Hern Poker, pontoon or rummy? Eccles Yeah, and cards? Colonel Slocombe Well, alright, fellas, I pass Lootenant Hern-Hern I pass Eccles Well, now its up to me now folks. Its up to me now folks. I'm callin' ya fellas! Bluebottle Ohh, he's callin' us all fellas. I shall reChief Investorpromedicate. Its the Call of the West partner! Chews plug of Hopalong Cassidy cardboard - string tobacco - licorice-type. Spit, spit, spitty. Ooohhoi. Its gone right down the front of my shirt. Lootenant Hern-Hern Who are you, stranger? Speak up. Bluebottle I am... I'm Marshal Matt Dillon, of 23 Flub Avenue, East Finchley, north 12 Lootenant Hern-Hern I never seen you in Dodge City before. How did you get here? Bluebottle I came on the forty-nine bus from High Street. Lootenant Hern-Hern There ain't no busses run out here... Bluebottle No, it only took me as far as the Odium, and I had to walk all the rest of the way myself Eccles What about the game? Lootenant Hern-Hern Ok, then, you're calling Mad Dan - what kind of hand you got? Eccles Four fingers and thumb. Bluebottle I beat you, Mad Dan - I got four fingers, two thumbs, and a toes! Eccles A toe? There ain't no such hand! Bluebottle Do you think i'm a cheat? Eccles No, I think you're deformed Bluebottle No man can call Bluebottle deformed, unless he's a specialist! Eccles, I'm runnin' you in. Eccles I've been run in, I've done 10,000 miles. lh Come on Mad Dan. Are you going quietly or do we have to use ear- plugs? Eccles ohhohhh Bluebottle Go for your guns, Mad Dan. I'm warning you - see the panther-like movements of my mittened hands, as they curl towards the cardboard-and-string triggers of my cutout pistols... Bluebottle's Mum There you are, you dirty little tramp! Bluebottle Oh, mum! Bluebottle's Mum I'll give you oh mum. Your father's been looking everywhere for his trilby hat! Where's all the shopping I sent you for? Bluebottle Oh mum, you spoiled my game! Bye bye, Eccles! Eccles Goodbye! gryt And so perish all enemies of the queen. mori And there's more where that came from. lh Now I recognise that voice by the shape of those words! gryt Run for it, mori, they know us mori Agh! Wallace This then was the situation: Bloodnok pursued by the mob; Grytpyte pursued by the 9th cavalry; and Bluebottle pursued by his mother. With this in mind, will the listeners please take in their slack, and listen to the occupants of Fort Ftang, preparing for the indian assault... Minnie Banister Lock us well in, Hen Henry Crun Oh, yes. They won't quell old Hen Crun by surprise. Min? Stand against that wall for a certain test. Minnie Banister oh. Ok, cockie. ooooh, ohh dear, ohhhh Henry Crun Did that hurt, Min? Minnie Banister Yes! Henry Crun Good, then this is a gun, Min. Uncle Oscar arrrrrrrr arrr orrrrrarrrrrrg Henry Crun Oh, Uncle Oscar! What are you doing out of your grave? Minnie Banister He must be feeling better, Henry Uncle Oscar Iiiiiaaaaaarrrrr oooohhhhh aarrr I Minnie Banister oooh oh who oooh! Uncle Oscar oooo Henry Crun Oh, Uncle! At your age. You've been at the hormones again. Uncle Oscar Narrrr mine aaaa ooorrr aaaaaaaarrrrr narckarohow Henry Crun There go his teeth, Min. That means more dinner for us. Minnie Banister Yes. Minnie Banister What's that! Henry Crun oooo Minnie Banister oo hooo Henry Crun Do you hear that Min? Minnie Banister What's that? pishtoo! Henry Crun Pishtoo! Minnie Banister Whats that? Henry Crun Its the war-whoops of the Nakatacka Indians! [ Minnie Banister Are they the ones that commit atrocities? Henry Crun Yes, Min. ] (1) Minnie Banister I'll go upstairs and get ready Henry Crun Stop it, Min, do you hear? Minnie Banister What? Henry Crun You know that's for me to say! Uncle Oscar aaarrrr arrr arrrr! Henry Crun He remembers, Min. He's remembered in leather. Now, Uncle, get inside that coffin and defend it with your life! I shall just announce the next part of the program. Ladies and Gentlemen, I have pleasure in announcing a knock at the door. Blast, there's been a change in the program. Who is it? Minnie Banister oooooo Colonel Slocombe And so folks, with rivers of blood being shed, arson, rape, murder everywhere, we say: Goodnight from Happydrome ooooo! They got me folks. Another unhappy ending, especially for me. [spits] oooo The End (1) This short bit was editted out by the Transcription Services, but was documented in "The Goon Show Companion"